Sometimes, we look upon our lives, past, present, and future, and we are left wondering what really happened? Where was it that I took the wrong turn? Was it just one wrong turn, or maybe a series of events that landed me in this precarious and dark position I once thought I was now immune to. It is a longer story than I think I can tell in one post, or in one story, or hell, maybe it even makes a book.

I have been writing bits and pieces of it here for quite some time, on and off and on and off again, but nothing seems to come to fruition like I want it to. I wonder, what is it I am trying to tell the world? What is it that I really want to share with the world?  I know, for one, I want to publish the story of my relapse, because I realized, when I finally reached out of the darkness for help....so many of my friends had similar experiences, we like to call them slips, but they never said a word to any of us, friends collegues, advocates, fighters for drug user justice. Had I known, especially one particular friend, had also slipped like this, I would have reached out. Immediately.

Instead, I kept it hidden in shame and in fear, until it did begin to cause serious problems in my life, crossing over from a slip to a relapse. At first, when I began to reach out and talk to some of the people I felt most comfortable with in my harm reduction world and my harm reduction family, and so many reported similar circumstances. I am not talking about those of us who are brave enough to be the soldiers who belong to the Drug User Unions, but I am speaking of all those who float around in between, living their lives in just as much fear at times.

You see, the world of harm reduction is not this easy world that so many people think that it is, whether it is in terms of how we treat drug use, or how we treat the people we serve and the people we work with. It is quite a double edged sword when you read the principles of harm reduction, and then really evaluate how they are carried out in so many organizations across the country. One of our basic principles is that we respect the drug user for his use to use substances, and we do not stigmatize people for substance use. We attempt to "meet people where they are," hoping to give them education and tools to improve their health and to use drugs as safely as possible. We seek to reduce the harm from drug use to the individual, their family, and society as a whole. Each and every harm reductionist will shout how much they believe in these principles, and they shout that the rest of our society also should do the same. We advocate for fair and compassionate treatment of drug users, current and former, and we work tirelessly to end the stigma of drug use.

But, within many organizations out there, it only goes so far. It is extended far into the reaches of the community, inviting even the most desperate, chaotic drug users inside our walls, to show one who the importance of ANY POSITIVE CHANGE, and we meet people in the decrepit streets filled with used syringes, homeless drug users who have nothing left but their occasional smile, and we advocate for drastic changes in drug laws, as we attempt to save as many lives from overdose in the midst of this opioid epidemic. Many of these organizations have accomplished some really great work, and as the opioid epidemic grows exponentially each day, harm reduction has moved from an obscure idea on the fringes into the mainstream conversations about handling addiction.

Sadly, however, many of these principles are not practiced within their own ranks, and their own employees and even sometimes volunteers.  I was blind to this duality and deep descrepancy for the first five years I worked in the field, as I worked for an organization that was so laden with internalized stigma, that I was even trained that this is how it is done. It was not until I grew as a harm reductionist, and came to work with more people nationally, aligning with the Drug User Union's philosophies, knowing they are the people we are fighting for, that I even began to challenge the status quo. And when the old school, stigmatizing principles were turned on me, my whole world flipped upside down. To be fair, my world was already standing on edge, but the internalized stigma and my own persecution sent me over an edge I never again thought I would meet face to face. Two years later, I am still teetering and tottering,  walking crooked and unsure of my ground, hanging my head down with all my self love that was shredded into a million pieces and burned on a fire of the precious baby of mine this organization had become. You see, when you work tirelessly for about $500 every two weeks, with your sights set on growing this little program into a major community player, it rips your soul out when it is ripped away from you in an instant, without even allowing you to explain. When your dreams are ripped out from under you, to serve another organization's needs, leaving not only yourself, but many of your participants behind in a place where a little less compassion and a lot less understanding is left the wake. The worst is when you see from outside how you were manipulated, and lied to, and how you were nothing more than a pawn in someone else's bigger plan.  And the only reason one could justify using me a a pawn is because they suspected I was using drugs, and there was no secret that I was a former drug user.

You see, no matter how far away we get from our addictions, they will always follow us. No matter how much one changes and grows, there is still this black stamp on their forehead, and some choose to see it and others can overlook it. With the explosion of the opioid epidemic, which has hit the white suburbs, we are finally beginning to see some traction for this social phenomena that has always been embedded in our country- only it did not really matter when it is a problem of minorities and poor people. In fact, most drug laws in the United States were born out of some prejudice and presecution of minorities.  Opium became a problem associated with the Chinese, these slinty-eyed people who came to the West Coast in large numbers, and being different struck fear in the hearts of the residents there before. I do not know why it is man's reaction to be afraid of things that are different, and why we must relinquish negative thoughts and impressions on anyone who is different. We are a culture who claims to pride itself on being the melting pot of tons of nations, yet we are actually ridden with such internal prejudice that it runs so deep in our ansectoral memories and our fractured bloodlines and veins that we can hardly separate it from learned behavior and instinct. But, I can assure you, it is not instinct.

Instinct may be what bolsters that innate fear of the unknown, because unless we were raised in a nation like the Cherokee Nation, who believes that the supreme power is "The Great Mystery," or some other culture who reveres the unknown as the beauty in life and the signs to follow to your destiny, or to your happiness, or even to your quest that will determine your fate. IN Ancient times, this great mystery of life was all around us, as we did not have the science to explain all of the natural phenomena. Instead, in ancient times before the written word, we carried stories that helped the population to know what to do in order to survive. These myths and stories were created so that these important messages could be passed down through generations, keeping the bloodline going as long as possible and keeping the survival of the tribe extended as far as they could, and every life mattered in this race to survive. But, every face usually looked the same, so who is to say if these ideals would have led is to prejudce eventually. I guess there is still somewhat of a mystery involved in it all.

While we naturally fear the unknown, and an outsider who has never encountered substance misuse could innately be afraid, these harm reduction organizations who work with substance misuse on the streets, day in and day out, do not face an unknown with addiction and drug use. And if your organization does have a number of members who are so unaccustomed to drug use- well, I just question why those people are even there, and what that particular organization really looks like inside.

You see, I worked for the oldest underground syringe exchange in the entire country, and they actually rival for the oldest syringe exchange in the country, above or below ground, with a history of more than 25 years. However, because Texas is such a red state, with some of the strictest drug laws in the country, this little operation ran outside of the law. Over the years, however, the value of such an organization was noticed by the neighbors and even law enforcement, and a rather copacetic relationship had begun to evolve. But, also because of the underground nature, and the word of mouth only advertising, many of the original founders remained locked in this place that harm reduction no longer really adheres to, and many organizations do not approve of some of the ways this organization, and many others treat their own people in regards to the principles of harm reduction.

You see, all of these organizations were originally born from drug users, who were also activists, and they saw the need for such services in their area, and they began to take  stand and do something about it. A small few of the organizations were local HIV and AIDS activists, who had been working with this disease since its inception, and they were not drug users, but they did work so closely with many intra venous drug users infected with HIV, who quickly wasted away and died of AIDS, often within a year, and much less. This was when HIV, then called AIDS, was a scary unknown disease that came with its own stigma. The disease, as many of us know today, was almost exclusive to gay men and intravenous drug users, who were already considered to be the dregs of society, and HIV gained a reputation as a disease that only affected "bad" people, or some even ventured as far as to classify them as "sinners." Many people did not care much about this spreading epidemic when it was only killing off people who were often considered to be morally reprehensible. However, as we saw huge numbers dying, and the disease creeping into the rest of the population through heterosexual encounters, we began to do more about it.

On one end, our television commercials were innundated with commercials about how to protet yourself from HIV. The condom culture was born, and there was also often a smaller mention of the risk to intravenous drug users. Of course, drug users have long been the most stigmatized group of people in our society. As a drug user, one is often considered to be barely human. One is certainly not given any credit as one's absility ot make their own decisions for their health, and the drug user is so often portrayed as theis desperate, ravished character, one who is hopeless, disgusting, and a forgotten piece of the American landscape. When the Harrison Narcotics Act in 1914 requested tax be imposed on all narcotics prescriotions written and purchased, the law also made sure that doctors could no longer prescribe opiates for people who were addicted to them. Doctors were limited by only prescribing these controlled substances, like cocaine and heroin for true medical conditions, and in the early 1900's addiction was not considered a health condition.

Much of this mentality has shifted down through so many generations that much of the stigma si ingrained in people, and it is ingrained in many of these older harm reduction organizations, too. Look at even the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, who was the first publication and group to argue that addiction was, in fact, a disease, but the book's vernacualr and principles suggest anything BUT addiction being a disease. What other disease requires a MORAL INVENTORY? What other disease requires you to admit you are powerless over it, and then just turn it over to God, or any other Higher Power. What other disease would any patient be told not to take their medicine, but instead to attend support groups and do what these people do. Well, there is no other disease out there that we treat like we treat problematic substance use. The beginnings of these 12-step groups were humble gatherings of alcoholics, who got together and discussed their struggles and supported one another, while following this set of steps that one must complete in order to receive what they call "the promises," which is their salvation when they can finally learn to completely abstain from alcohol. What other disease would the practitioner EVER CONSIDER giving the patient a "promise" to be healthy at the end of their treatment, which consists more of working through workbooks and talking through problems in groups?? No other disease has ever, or will ever, be treated like this without outrage. The 12-step groups emerged in the 1930's and remained the only resource for addiction for many, many decades.

Harm reduction sprung up later on, in the early 80's, as the onslaught of AIDS ravaged some populations. Harm reductio psychotherapy began to emerge in some of the popular drug areas, where counselors, doctors, and other medical professionals had been struggling with barriers for many of their patients. Besides the barriers to clean supplies, which was spreading HIV like wildfire among injection drug use populations, but they were fighting barriers like dual diagnosis, where the patient has both a substance issue and a mental health issue. Back in those days, it became an endless cycle, with no end in sight. Often times, the mental health professionals would refuse to treat a patient while they still were living with active addiction, but also addiction specialists did not want to treat those who had both addiction and mental illness. For many, it became a revolving door, where neither side did anything but shuffle them back to the other side. Of course, people were dying because they could not get any help, and often the help they did get was so abstinence, 12-step laden that the participants, especially the homeless, or those living with, and in those days, dying from, HIV.  A few caring medica professionals watched these patients slipping through the cracks and decided to change things.

Patt Denning actually coined the term dual diagnosis, and she began treating people with both mental conditions and substance use issues, and treating both conditions simulatneously proved to be a more effective method. Methadone maintenance therapy became a piece of harm reduction, at first. Because of the Harrison Narcotics Act, the father of methadone, Dr, Vincent Dole, had to get special permission to be able to treat those addicted to heroin with methadone, but eventually through the data of his experiements, showing the harm that was reduced, especially to the community by giving methadone to heroin addicts, methadone maintenance therapy came onto the scene in the 1960's. much in response to the onslaught of veterans returning from Vietnam addicted to heroin. Of course, Dole treated these patients for both addiction and menal conditions, but believe it or not, today it is still not completely unheard of for a mental health professional refuses treatment on a habitual substance user, until he has gone through detox, and sometimes even a longer treatment, belieiving you cannot separate the mental illness while the addiction is in place, because often addiction can have symptoms to mimic mental health issues. Knowing that many substance users actually use as a way of self medication for these mental conditions, we see that it is ludicrous and limiting to be seperating the two.

Some of the first harm reduction psychotherapists still maintained a little of the internalized stigma, whch created and "us and them" scenario, which was eventually advocated against, as this separation from the rest of society has been proven to only further the problems of addiciton more. We had people like Patt Denning, preaching more compassion and meeting people where they are, rather than expecting the impossible of them.

I think it was a combination of several elements that had to come together for these harm reduction prinicples to be born, and many of the original harm reduction workers came from the HIV field and noticed major issues, which was causing so many to die, and so many more to contract the diease each year. Finally syringe exchangre was born, with a table set up on a cormer in Seattle, by Dave Purchase, the father of syringe exchange, and over time, they have grown and blossommed into organizations that encompass so many services.

That is often the misconsumption about suringe echange and other such harm reduction measures is that all they do is hand our clean needles. That is such a small fraction of what it actually done at these places. These places are often one of the only places that drug users feel comfortbale enough to open up to the workers, especially when the majority of them have had some history with thier own drug use. In my opinion, workers should be both people in recovery, as well as active users. And I also thing that when an exchange is only staffed by people who have never used druggs before, then we have a real issue because these peoplle tend not to truly understand how to connect to an active drug user, often in very chaotoc use. But, a person who has been there, can better know where that person is, and it is easier to meet someone where they are when you actually understand what that plce feels like, smells like, and is like ot live within that space. People who have never been there themselves can be great workers, but they can never quite understand the desperation, and they can never quite understand what that person may need. I know several great nondrug users who work in this feild, but more often than not, those who do not have their own drug use experience, especially thir own addiciton experience, they just cannot quite understand, and more than that, these people almost always automaticlly hold some sort of stigma of drug use and drug users. Then, when you have an organization who has internalied stigma, especially when it goes back since the organozations inception, it is hard to even see it. I know that AHRC would have told me that they had no stigma and they fought against stigma in everything we did.

But, internalized stigma was there, even was written into some bylaws, while other bylaws were created to not allow the nonprofit to get so far away from their roots, that they could not connect with their target population as well. AHRC actually had a bylaw that said they had to have AT LEAST ONE board member at all times who was a member of the target population, so in other owrds, we had to have an active drug user on the board. Yet, that had never been the case. This group actually had a rule that no one could volunteer until they had at least a year in recovery...they actually used the workd "clean.:  I assumed that this rule was simply created to protect people new to recovery from being triggered enough to relapse, because it can be a tricky spot to be if your not ready in your recovery. But, the deeper and deeper I got into this organization, I began to question this particular rule. I sked several founding members, and they all gave me the same answer. Within the first year of recovery, or in active drug use, they are not responsible enough to be there, or be on time. Imagine if you had just you and one other person, and they do not show up. You cannot take the van out in certain situations like that. I was appalled. Wow. I thought we were supposed to respect these people and uplift them, yet we would not even let them volunteer without A YEAR "clean." I became more and more disgusted as this attiude began to prevail and grow. One particular nurse, who applied to be the ED, actually was very prejudice against active users and made it very obvious. It infuriated me, but these kinds were perfect for the suits, taking over the organization, once I aquired a grant for a quarter of a million dollars.

It is funny how small grassroots organizations run with little to no help when there is not much money. You can only get people to volunteer so much, and you can only get your few regualr, solid people who you pay if you can are making so little that they cannot only work this job. How is one able to grow an advance an organization when you could not support yourself on the salary, much less a family's exepenses. You do this by dedicating yourself to it, and allowing your partner to work a little more and dip into your savings, while you give it your all, or at least that is what I did. I worked 80 hours a week, implementing new programs, creating manuals for everything, running the daily van duties, and taking on grant writing and fundrasing. It was far too much for one person, but I had such faith and such expectations about how to grow this little organization to better serve our population, that I did it. I balanced a sick husband, with 80 hours, and night after night, bringing paperwork home. I did all of the data, rcording it from our handwritten log on the van into excel to get an idea of how we were doing, and I filed monthly reports about it all, meanwhile I researched grants and funding and created more projects to get grant money with. I remember being warmed to slow down, or I would burn out. BUt, the board did not allow me to slow odwn, as they drove me to do all the things they thought of, too, and none of them ever really ended up doing any of the work for all the big plans they would make, and it was generally me, carrying the load alone. Eventually, I cracked.

I was caregiving for my husband at the time that the relapse occured and everything fell apart. I had gotten on Adderrall, and was only sleeping 3-4 hours a night, so that I could work on all the things we had to finish at work, and also so I could make lunches and make sure everyone got off to school, while I also making sure there was either an easy dinner, like a frozen pizza for my husband to toss in for the kids, or I was cooking meals for them to have whether I made it home in time for dinner or not. Everyday, I left dinner ready or nearly ready, and I picked up the kid and did homeowrk, and then I headed off the the exchange for the two hours we ran 6 days a week. I would come home, and usually have to wrangle baths, and bedtime routine fr the kiddos. I was running with my candle burning at both ends. And I was using the Aderall like crazy to keep going, Of course, I also needed the klonopin prescribed with it to sleep when I had time, and over these years of going from general manager of a small restaurant to Executive Director of this growing syringe exchange, I was also dealing with hurting lower back, and pain in my feet and my knees and sometimes other places. So, I began taking small morphine pills, just to get through the shifts with no pain. The morphine eventually became small amounts of suboxone, and eventually a little black tar, snorted like monkey water, only on occasions when I was in serious pain and did not have to work a whole lot. I was housing my prescription meds, and supplementing with pain meds. A doctor probably would have written me a prescription for the chronic pain I came into as an adult, but with my drug history, no one would ever touch that with a ten foot pole. I finally got tored of constanrtly living in pain, and began to take pills off the street, and eventually other thngs just to get through the day. I was not doing any of these things to get high, but just to be able to push it thorugh the long days and nights, being stretched by a high octane job with more work than one person coul handle, being ruled by a laxy board, whom left everything in your lap, did nothing to help volunteer, but wanted to take too much day to day control, on a subject that they had no real clue. You see over time, the board shifted from one with a few people in recovery to a full board of people wgo have never had a substance use issue, and people who never had been addicted to drugs. Yeah sure some were social workers, and all that, but you can nevr really have a true understanding unless you have walked in those shoes.

Needless to say, the clients loved me, and I really connected with a lot of them. But, as a resuly of the Adderall, my behavior became more erratic. One of my employees helpt beginning me for my medicine, so she would focus more and not do cocaine at the bar. (God , I could not remember the lst time I went to a bar, but this single mom went once a week, and stayed out all night, drinking and doing cocaine, to show up on the next Morning shift still drunk and high. BUt, I was the bad guy because she could not keep up with my intensiry and my quick instructions, and hghn expectations for people to catch on, seeing as they all claimed to have such sills when hired. Anyway hiring that botch was my biggest mistake. She would never come to me with questions ot problems, but would automatically go straight to the board, and when I cut her off from my adderall, she really started acting childish. She would call everyone for a meeting, but not tell me, the boss. She began telling people I was usiing drugs all the time, because I used a little meth a few times when I was out of Adderall and had so much work to do.

So, I was never told I needed to do nything. I was never told their was really these problems, except one meeting, The board member who was essentually the "mediator" told me the board advised me to do one thing, and the board president waited for me after that meeting and advised me to do just the opposite, which led to me losing my job. Of course, there really was no reason, and all the reasons were really danced all around. But, the long and short of it was that they susoected me using, but could not prove it, and they fired me. They never let me talk to the board, but I was simply spoken to by the board president, who was laos the executive dorector for the other program we were involved with, and the direction he wanted us to go to, with all the money I had gotten for my organoization and his, and he totally screed me.

I was devestated, and my hsuband was dying. They did not even have the decency to gather a meeting like we did when we got rid of the person before me, but it was done in a cold email, and it was full of all kinds of bullshit. I was infuruated. I was actually told I would be demoted before I was fored, and I was so upset and my husband was in the hospital at the time, that I asked for time off and it was denied, and they pushed  e and pushed me the next two weeks, to the point I was pissed off, and I was angry, and I was unable to avt rationally at times, I relaly showed my craxy side, and showed my ass in some ways, But, just like when my first husband left me, I went insane, partly because it was so out of the blue ans ou of charactwr, and I was so invessted and connected in him, and I lost my mither fucking mind. Same thing haooened when I lost my jobs at AHRC, and now I am feeling this same kins od crazy with my om...I feel this crazy obssessed about her and my relationshio with her that it is driving me craxy.