So, that last rambling piece went no where that I planned for it to go, and that is okay, because something else rather significant was revealed to me. The three times in my life when I really and truly went crazy, due to major losses that I was not ready to handle, and now how do I process this all together, o that I can figure out what needs to be done with this one I am in the middle of right now.
When Will left me, I was so shocked. The way he doted on me, and how he loved me so much. I was his sun and moon, and I did not even see that he was slipping away. Maybe because he still had that sun and moon attitude towards me, or maybe because I was so self absorbed with my stuff that I did not notice he was slipping away, flling for another girl, one who was more respoinsible and already had a kid. He wanted to go from chaotic drug use to domicility, and that was not where I was at in any way.
I was still just stunned. I did not realize at first it was because he was seeing someone else, although I was basically stupid because I knew they hung out together all the time, and I never saw it coming. I lost my mind. I laos lost my mind similarly, when Rob and I finally split up in college, and then even crazier with Will. I felt like he was so wrong, and like mom, I just wanted him t admit he was wrong,but he never did, and he ncer will. H has said he was sorry, and that is good enough for me. I sometimes wonder if we will somehow end up together in old age, because after all, he was mu soul mate. BUt, both those times, I was partly crazy because I just had so many thoughts churning, and I was so desperate to win back the love I had lost. I felt so lost and lonely, like I did not want to go on without my husband. We were attached at the hip. BUt, I went nuts, started telling him lies to worry about me and all it did was drive him further way. I was crazy because I felt I could not breahte without him. I felt like I could not stand on my own, and the fact he would not even hardly talk to me. It was really devestating the way it all ended, as he left me there still so in love, but a fucked up, crying mess in the floor. I got wasted, over and over and pver again, I was constantly hungover and constantly acting like an inane person. I ended up getting over it by focusing myself on someo else. My next mistake, but I cannot hold him against too too much. But, anyway, there was also the time when I lost my job at AHRC that I really fell apart into insanity. I didnot handle any of it like an adult, and I was os hurt, and so mad, and also so confused, because I did not have any of the answers as to why it ticked the way it did. Again, I went insane seeking answrrs,
And now, that makes perfect sense to me, why I am losing my mind over my destroyed relationship with my mom. I am reeling, and I am just baffled because I am in disbeleif that it even happened, I am in complete disbeleif that my mom refuses to be there for me anymore, and she also will not discuss any of her reasoning with me, and it is the same feeling as bfore. I have no idea really what she is mad about, just that she is made because I was not honest, but she has also not been that forthcoming with any of what she is angry about, or even what she thinks she knows that I out my kids through, She hs never once discussed her opinion of any of this, and I know that she was never around, I wanted her to be there for me, but at this point, she already had so much anger and resentment for me that she really has no idea what she has doen, or even I have done.
What I do know is that there is absolutleyl no way that this whole thing will ever work with her the way I am doing it. I feel like so kuch of it is her fault, and I feel like she chose obby over me and Rob, and I know that once I came back and anything I confronted her on, she completely lies that it ever happened, That is infuriating to me. It drives me crazy that she has chosen to just block out any of the things she has said to me that have caused trauma, and that have hut me. She lives in this fantasy workd and I do believe now that a lot of it is because she has sommuch guilt, and she does not want to dmit it to herself. It is easier for her to stay mad at me, because it is the only way she can control me, and she lives in this delusional place, where she onl has good memories of her actions.
Why am I going crazy over my mom and I's relationship right now?? Is is simply because I want more access to Keira, or is it because I know I am right and that she is wrong, and I just need her to admit it to me. But, she never will. I cannot believe she completely denies calling me cold, jut like my Aunt Becky. I remember her calling me cold a lot when I was in high school and in college. I was ofte told I was cold, and now she denies it. She does not remember any single thing she has done that hurt me, but she remembers all of mine. It is kind of disgusting. It actually makes me sick to my fucking stomach, so badly that I do not know what to do, also I really am in the dark with this one, just like the othet two that made me crazy. I think part of my obssession is trying to figure out the why. I am trying to figure out the why of ending our relationsip, which she refuses to discuss with me, ut then she seems to jump on things and never let me finish, calling me paranoid or causing rama. But, it is because those are the staements she feels gulty about. She feels guilty about a lot of my problems, but then she throws things in my face, almost to make herself feel better. I know now, also that Jeannie cannot be trusted in terms of talking about my mom, because she is telling her stuff. Does not surprise me, since I already know how how manipulative she can be. How manipulative they both can be. And my mother stands and points fingers at me, for some of the very things she does herself. She is the one with the real problem. If she cannot help facilitate some sort of way for me to see Keira before she leaves, then she is a bitch. A flat out bitch. She is and always has been a very selfuish mom, who was so controlling. She has to have everyone doing exactly as she says, and she does not want me to dance to my own drum, and it kind of hurts me that she will not accept me for me. But, what do I except of her??? The only thing I really expected was for her to hug me, and allow me to come up, and to tell me she loved me and hug me and let me know things are going to be okay. I wanted her to tell me she would like to help me with some of these parenting skills, she claims ti know everything about, but she keeps them guadrded to herself, so that no one will know them, least of all me. I think part of the reason I am so crazy about it is that it is your mother who should always love you, and should always be there for you in your darkest hour, but she has been wokring aginst me for years now, and she chalks it up to me being paranoid. It is really crazy, if you ask me because all these other people did retain the same memories
So, what do I do, now that I am just so stuck on crazy with her, but I feel that I know what is going on. I know she has lots of guilt and that is why she criticizes me, and why she puts me down. I know she does not want to discuss any single thing with me that might make her feel bad, feel guiilty. I think I get so mad because of times she has let loose on me, and then said how much better she felt, but I am not allowed that luxury. I hate the most that she does not recall any of the abuse, and she does not recall any of the events that I am very hurt by, and honestly, I do not think it is ever going to work, I cannot go on and keep pretending she has not seriously damamged me, that she has seriously hurt me my shole life by not being accepting of me. I feel like she has always loved me conditionally, and when I am nt making her conditions, she makes me feel like shit because somehow it makes her feel better. She is one sick puppy. I am not really sure how to handle it all, but I really just wish that she would forgive me and love me, is that not what moms are supposed to do?? But, she is more mad about the inconvenience she has out me through. And every single time I try to talk to her about things, she generally will not hear any mistake she has made. I do have a lot of things I am angry with her about, and most of it is the fantasy world she lives in. I hate it because she is constantly calling me a liar, but she is the one who is compleltely deluded, It does not really make any sense to me.
I think I am obsessing so much about it because I am stumped, just like those other obbssessions, they just did not make sense to me, and I think a lot of times, I have to have some kind of proof that I am not crazy, and that she really did do these things to me. I am sure she will never accept her role in my problems, and she will never, ever admit some of the things she has said and done. Is it because it bothered her so much, she was able to compltely block it ou of hr mind? Does she actually have a plit personality of sorts. It is often infuriating because I just want her to admit that she was not perfect and she did do a lot of things that were not in my favor, and a lot of things that were not best for me, or even best for Keira, but instead what is best for her. I am actually absolutely disgusted with the whole thing, but I do not know how to stop the thoughts about it. I have constantly walked on eggshells around you. I have always had incredibly tense shoulders, because I have carried so much stress since even I was a child. I made good grades, I made really great grades and my brother would get a D, but yet he still always got the same kind of treat as me. I hate the fact that my mom has never even confonted me about some things, and
BUt, I know deep down inside that it is really a hopless fight and that we will never be close again, and maybe that is why I am holdin gon so tightly, because I do not want to have to end our relationship, but I am pretty sure that is what is going to have to happen in the long run. I do not think she will ever come to a point where we can talk it through, if she does not ever want to feel guilty but she just wants to make me feel guilty. I know if I cannot discuss with her the issues that I want solved, because she might feel a little bit bad or guilty, then it willl never be solved. I feel bad and guilty all the time, and she has called me so many times to tell me things, just to make me feel like crap. Sh eis by no mens this peaceful woman she pretends to be. She is still incredible high strung and controlling and she is really an unhappy person and laways has been. she has never liked comedys because she does not like to laug at movies, any show she ever watches she goes on and one how stupid the shw is. she complains about movies and tv shoes, she is so loud in bithing about such things. I remember her as the mom who never wanted to swim because it was too cold, and the mom who did not play with us and the mom who was more ilitant than loving, until she wanted certain things to be her certain way. I think my grandmother was mike that oo, Neither of them are happy, an dinsteadof diggiing for all the whys, I just need to accept it all at face value. What does it mean when your mom is completely an asshole to you? Well, it does not mean that she loves you unconditionally. What does it mean when your mother always judges you and criticizes...it means she is not happy with herself, Her husband goes inot the other room from her the minute he gets home, and they both roll their eyes in tis not so happy relationshiop. MY mom and dad are simly comfortable with one another, and they are not close in any way, I think because he just stays out of he rpage of wrath, and I think he is pretty coool guy, but he will never ever get into the middle of it, because he has to live with her. If hr told her to eaasse up on me, and let me come have a fun derrkrnf eith Krita brfore she lr=eaves, but she will not do it becaus she absolutely refuses to put asisde her differences. NUt, I know she is the one who cannot do it. I might be the one. Why do I feel she has otten made at m for getting stiff out of my bag, but all of that is kind of a fantasy.
When Will left me, I was so shocked. The way he doted on me, and how he loved me so much. I was his sun and moon, and I did not even see that he was slipping away. Maybe because he still had that sun and moon attitude towards me, or maybe because I was so self absorbed with my stuff that I did not notice he was slipping away, flling for another girl, one who was more respoinsible and already had a kid. He wanted to go from chaotic drug use to domicility, and that was not where I was at in any way.
I was still just stunned. I did not realize at first it was because he was seeing someone else, although I was basically stupid because I knew they hung out together all the time, and I never saw it coming. I lost my mind. I laos lost my mind similarly, when Rob and I finally split up in college, and then even crazier with Will. I felt like he was so wrong, and like mom, I just wanted him t admit he was wrong,but he never did, and he ncer will. H has said he was sorry, and that is good enough for me. I sometimes wonder if we will somehow end up together in old age, because after all, he was mu soul mate. BUt, both those times, I was partly crazy because I just had so many thoughts churning, and I was so desperate to win back the love I had lost. I felt so lost and lonely, like I did not want to go on without my husband. We were attached at the hip. BUt, I went nuts, started telling him lies to worry about me and all it did was drive him further way. I was crazy because I felt I could not breahte without him. I felt like I could not stand on my own, and the fact he would not even hardly talk to me. It was really devestating the way it all ended, as he left me there still so in love, but a fucked up, crying mess in the floor. I got wasted, over and over and pver again, I was constantly hungover and constantly acting like an inane person. I ended up getting over it by focusing myself on someo else. My next mistake, but I cannot hold him against too too much. But, anyway, there was also the time when I lost my job at AHRC that I really fell apart into insanity. I didnot handle any of it like an adult, and I was os hurt, and so mad, and also so confused, because I did not have any of the answers as to why it ticked the way it did. Again, I went insane seeking answrrs,
And now, that makes perfect sense to me, why I am losing my mind over my destroyed relationship with my mom. I am reeling, and I am just baffled because I am in disbeleif that it even happened, I am in complete disbeleif that my mom refuses to be there for me anymore, and she also will not discuss any of her reasoning with me, and it is the same feeling as bfore. I have no idea really what she is mad about, just that she is made because I was not honest, but she has also not been that forthcoming with any of what she is angry about, or even what she thinks she knows that I out my kids through, She hs never once discussed her opinion of any of this, and I know that she was never around, I wanted her to be there for me, but at this point, she already had so much anger and resentment for me that she really has no idea what she has doen, or even I have done.
What I do know is that there is absolutleyl no way that this whole thing will ever work with her the way I am doing it. I feel like so kuch of it is her fault, and I feel like she chose obby over me and Rob, and I know that once I came back and anything I confronted her on, she completely lies that it ever happened, That is infuriating to me. It drives me crazy that she has chosen to just block out any of the things she has said to me that have caused trauma, and that have hut me. She lives in this fantasy workd and I do believe now that a lot of it is because she has sommuch guilt, and she does not want to dmit it to herself. It is easier for her to stay mad at me, because it is the only way she can control me, and she lives in this delusional place, where she onl has good memories of her actions.
Why am I going crazy over my mom and I's relationship right now?? Is is simply because I want more access to Keira, or is it because I know I am right and that she is wrong, and I just need her to admit it to me. But, she never will. I cannot believe she completely denies calling me cold, jut like my Aunt Becky. I remember her calling me cold a lot when I was in high school and in college. I was ofte told I was cold, and now she denies it. She does not remember any single thing she has done that hurt me, but she remembers all of mine. It is kind of disgusting. It actually makes me sick to my fucking stomach, so badly that I do not know what to do, also I really am in the dark with this one, just like the othet two that made me crazy. I think part of my obssession is trying to figure out the why. I am trying to figure out the why of ending our relationsip, which she refuses to discuss with me, ut then she seems to jump on things and never let me finish, calling me paranoid or causing rama. But, it is because those are the staements she feels gulty about. She feels guilty about a lot of my problems, but then she throws things in my face, almost to make herself feel better. I know now, also that Jeannie cannot be trusted in terms of talking about my mom, because she is telling her stuff. Does not surprise me, since I already know how how manipulative she can be. How manipulative they both can be. And my mother stands and points fingers at me, for some of the very things she does herself. She is the one with the real problem. If she cannot help facilitate some sort of way for me to see Keira before she leaves, then she is a bitch. A flat out bitch. She is and always has been a very selfuish mom, who was so controlling. She has to have everyone doing exactly as she says, and she does not want me to dance to my own drum, and it kind of hurts me that she will not accept me for me. But, what do I except of her??? The only thing I really expected was for her to hug me, and allow me to come up, and to tell me she loved me and hug me and let me know things are going to be okay. I wanted her to tell me she would like to help me with some of these parenting skills, she claims ti know everything about, but she keeps them guadrded to herself, so that no one will know them, least of all me. I think part of the reason I am so crazy about it is that it is your mother who should always love you, and should always be there for you in your darkest hour, but she has been wokring aginst me for years now, and she chalks it up to me being paranoid. It is really crazy, if you ask me because all these other people did retain the same memories
So, what do I do, now that I am just so stuck on crazy with her, but I feel that I know what is going on. I know she has lots of guilt and that is why she criticizes me, and why she puts me down. I know she does not want to discuss any single thing with me that might make her feel bad, feel guiilty. I think I get so mad because of times she has let loose on me, and then said how much better she felt, but I am not allowed that luxury. I hate the most that she does not recall any of the abuse, and she does not recall any of the events that I am very hurt by, and honestly, I do not think it is ever going to work, I cannot go on and keep pretending she has not seriously damamged me, that she has seriously hurt me my shole life by not being accepting of me. I feel like she has always loved me conditionally, and when I am nt making her conditions, she makes me feel like shit because somehow it makes her feel better. She is one sick puppy. I am not really sure how to handle it all, but I really just wish that she would forgive me and love me, is that not what moms are supposed to do?? But, she is more mad about the inconvenience she has out me through. And every single time I try to talk to her about things, she generally will not hear any mistake she has made. I do have a lot of things I am angry with her about, and most of it is the fantasy world she lives in. I hate it because she is constantly calling me a liar, but she is the one who is compleltely deluded, It does not really make any sense to me.
I think I am obsessing so much about it because I am stumped, just like those other obbssessions, they just did not make sense to me, and I think a lot of times, I have to have some kind of proof that I am not crazy, and that she really did do these things to me. I am sure she will never accept her role in my problems, and she will never, ever admit some of the things she has said and done. Is it because it bothered her so much, she was able to compltely block it ou of hr mind? Does she actually have a plit personality of sorts. It is often infuriating because I just want her to admit that she was not perfect and she did do a lot of things that were not in my favor, and a lot of things that were not best for me, or even best for Keira, but instead what is best for her. I am actually absolutely disgusted with the whole thing, but I do not know how to stop the thoughts about it. I have constantly walked on eggshells around you. I have always had incredibly tense shoulders, because I have carried so much stress since even I was a child. I made good grades, I made really great grades and my brother would get a D, but yet he still always got the same kind of treat as me. I hate the fact that my mom has never even confonted me about some things, and
BUt, I know deep down inside that it is really a hopless fight and that we will never be close again, and maybe that is why I am holdin gon so tightly, because I do not want to have to end our relationship, but I am pretty sure that is what is going to have to happen in the long run. I do not think she will ever come to a point where we can talk it through, if she does not ever want to feel guilty but she just wants to make me feel guilty. I know if I cannot discuss with her the issues that I want solved, because she might feel a little bit bad or guilty, then it willl never be solved. I feel bad and guilty all the time, and she has called me so many times to tell me things, just to make me feel like crap. Sh eis by no mens this peaceful woman she pretends to be. She is still incredible high strung and controlling and she is really an unhappy person and laways has been. she has never liked comedys because she does not like to laug at movies, any show she ever watches she goes on and one how stupid the shw is. she complains about movies and tv shoes, she is so loud in bithing about such things. I remember her as the mom who never wanted to swim because it was too cold, and the mom who did not play with us and the mom who was more ilitant than loving, until she wanted certain things to be her certain way. I think my grandmother was mike that oo, Neither of them are happy, an dinsteadof diggiing for all the whys, I just need to accept it all at face value. What does it mean when your mom is completely an asshole to you? Well, it does not mean that she loves you unconditionally. What does it mean when your mother always judges you and criticizes...it means she is not happy with herself, Her husband goes inot the other room from her the minute he gets home, and they both roll their eyes in tis not so happy relationshiop. MY mom and dad are simly comfortable with one another, and they are not close in any way, I think because he just stays out of he rpage of wrath, and I think he is pretty coool guy, but he will never ever get into the middle of it, because he has to live with her. If hr told her to eaasse up on me, and let me come have a fun derrkrnf eith Krita brfore she lr=eaves, but she will not do it becaus she absolutely refuses to put asisde her differences. NUt, I know she is the one who cannot do it. I might be the one. Why do I feel she has otten made at m for getting stiff out of my bag, but all of that is kind of a fantasy.
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